The Peeping Tom

Thomas

Tom

Tommy

Thomas Oliver

Oliver

Ollie

T.O.

Tee

Toms-a-lot

Tomasina

Tommee-O

Ollie-ver

Oliviary

Oliviary Furiver

Sir Furiver

If Nicknames are a measure of how much you love an animal, it would not be far fetched to say that this fur ball has made his mark.

Walk the Dog

Looks Innocent enough, no? Doesn't look like the makings of one panic attack after another, does it?

Since temperatures are actually a digit or two above zero, we pulled on our snow boots and walked down to the neighbourhood grocery store to pick up some supplies. Bennett freaked the whole way. Both ways. Because, you know, a car might come and plow us over and kill us and roads aren't safe and oh my god we are going to die! Can you guess what we will now be doing daily? Until he can calmly walk down a suburban road, beside his mother, holding the dog's leash (or scarf), without screaming like a little girl? Yeah, the dog will be getting her exercise this week...

Do you like our ghetto leash? I could not locate the real deal as we were leaving...it was not where it belonged...so I grabbed a scarf and ran. As I was walking down the street, looking at this piece of cloth, useless memories came flooding back into my head. How is this thing still around?

Turns out that this is the scarf off of the coat my bio dad bought me in 1989. It once had tassels on the ends, but those were pulled off when my little sisters and baby cousin used it for a game of tug-of-war in my aunt's basement in '90. I cried over the destruction of this scarf for a very long time...and carefully sewed up the ends to keep it from unravelling completely....as it was from the only "new" coat that I ever had as a child and my dad had taken me on a special shopping trip to pick it out. We had a similar shopping trip the previous summer to pick out my first (and only) "new" bike of my childhood. These were priceless trips for a small girl who was thirsting for attention from her father. My parents were separated at the time, and these "excursions" equalled more positive interaction with my father than I had ever known when he lived under the same roof as me. He was building memories and building trust and I loved it. And then it was gone. My bio dad died in August, 1990. Today would have been his 52nd birthday. My aunt was murdered in her Seattle suburb, by a serial rapist who had recently been let out of prison, in 2004. She fought back too much for his liking. My bio dad took his own life, my aunt's was taken from her.

I regurgitate these facts with little emotion on this day. I have done my mourning. Today is heavily shadowed by the beautiful funeral I went to yesterday; for an individual who had a profound effect and me and my son's lives and so many countless other people's lives; a person who went out with her boots still on, who lived life exactly how it is supposed to be lived...making a difference every single day...being a "doer" and not a talker. Actions are so much louder than any words that you can say.

A year ago today, I felt this way and two years ago, this way. Today, I feel that a dog leash is a befitting end to an old scarf. I am thankful for the sunshine and look forward to watching my son learn to enjoy walking the dog. Life: it is truly for the living and today I am finding great solace in the memory of those who really knew how to live...

Sick.

I always tell the kids to share.

Lukey gave us a nice parting gift this weekend...the flu. Bless his cute, snotty little heart. The poor boy suffered through the weekend with the flu and a double ear infection; laughing and smiling and delighting my heart between doses of Tylenol and Biaxin and nose wipe after nose wipe. Those Bonus Pumpkins of mine are such amazing little souls! Such delightful and unexpected blessings! Such a wonderful parting gift from the sperm donor. To think I would be god-mother to my son's siblings; to think that the man I once loved would leave nothing but havoc in his wake...and siblings for the son he blessed me with. Life: it can be so truly odd, troublesome and beautiful all at once!

The glands in my neck are swollen, my throat hurts, my body aches and my nose has more in common with the Amazon than a breathing apparatus.

Bennett is sick. Home from school today. He is such a man when he is sick. So fucking crabby. The apple does not fall far from the tree. We are just two peas in a fucking nasty pod of snot and whining.

My child is usually so freaking tough, it blows me away. That child has a pain tolerance many stories taller than my own. But he just does not do sick. I don't blame him.

Funeral on Friday. I am still so shell shocked. I knew that Anne had touched me and my son's lives in a positive and substantial way, but I truly had no clue how deep that impact was until this tragedy. I found myself thinking, "Why do all the good ones go first?" Of course, this is what any person thinks when they see a beautiful life disappear before it's imagined time, or a child robbed of the chance to grow up, or any other loss of life that appears to be promising... But it's not like the idiots of the world line themselves up on the street, auctioning themselves off to death's door. The world just does not turn that way.

Sore throat and body aches.

Check.

Exhaustion.

Check.

Funeral to attend on Friday.

Check.

So, why am I sitting here feeling so damn blessed?

Funny how the shittiest of situations can make you see more clearly what you DO have and how very thankful you are for having exactly what you do.

Oh how very, very fragile and fleeting life really is...

Like any good spectator...

...Lukey had no problem standing there nicely and watching the pretty ballerinas...

Blind Sighted

When I picked Bennett up from daycare today, one of the teachers pulled me aside; Bennett's beloved teacher had a stroke yesterday. They could not save her.

Anne was not just any teacher; she was exceptional; a true angel on earth. She was my son's afternoon preschool teacher from 2006-2007, his full day teacher from 2007-2008 and again, his after school/afternoon teacher for 2008- last Thursday. She has had such an impact on my child, words do not come close.

My heart is hurting.

Anne has also taught Shayanna, as well as a dear friends daughter (Sunshine M.) and years ago she taught Shayanna and Luke's other older brother (DC) as well. Her reputation reached the far corners of our town; by far one of the most talented and intuitive minds in the childcare industry. Her absence will be felt by many.

This will be the first time I have to explain death to my child. With all the other things that have touched his young life, death has not been one of them, until today.

Field Trip

I was able to go with Bennett and his class on his second field trip this morning; today's destination being slightly more interesting than the last: a trip to the skating rink over a trip to the hospital. This was Bennett's first time on skates. He did awesome! Although, I think he was more excited about riding on a school bus, a first as well, than he was about the skating. Just prior to arriving back at the school, he broke his silent stare towards the front of the bus and very curiously asked me, "Mom, is the guy driving the bus a neanderthal?"

What do you think?

BRAND LOYALTY: COMES IN ALL SIZES

These are just the "currently used" ones. I have a storage shelf downstairs that holds every other size up to Bennett's current footprint and a pair of rain boots in every size he has ever been as well! While I've never suffered from brand loyalty when it comes to galoshes, I seem to have a well established issue when it comes to snow boots...

Lukey's Monkey Rescue

Background noise provided by the second track off of Nickelback's Dark Horse album, as well as Bennett & Shayanna squabbling over toy cars...

I got myself a much needed tissue...

Well wasn't that last piece a nice little boo-hoo, poor me post. I was very tired and grieving when I wrote it. That said, it's how I felt/feel and I'm gonna leave it up...because I'm trying to use my words more, and that was one step closer to doing so...in the realm of the blog-o-sphere at least. Shit happens...and it's rarely preferable shit, because shit is shit. Next.

So much more to say... This whole actually writing on the blog thing is a more enjoyable self challenge than I thought it would be. Now...if only time would allow me to sit here and type...

Oh, I figured out how to put a picture on my header. Aren't they cute?!!! Pic is from last February; roughly two and a half weeks into kiddie boot camp. The unprecedented sunshine on that day was a very appreciated reprieve from the usual winter temps in these parts.

Under My Skin

Have you ever been betrayed? Have you ever learned that the person/people you thought you could trust/count on/confide in would turn on you in your darkest hour, your weakest moment? The individuals that should know you well enough to ask what is wrong before denouncing you as expendable turn out to know you least and are the fastest to run away?

I've been down this road before...with friends, lovers, extended family members. The harder you love, the more there is at stake to lose if it all goes sour. I know that this is the flavour of life, and it truly makes me love all the more fiercely when I do.

But, after ringing in the new year the way I did; after having such a bright mirror held up in front of my face, I am left wondering if I'll ever be able to truly trust again. I know that this will pass and time takes the sting out of most wounds, but this hurts so bad.

I ended last year bragging at how I have two sisters by chance, two best friends by choice. I started this year with no bragging rights. Being related does not make one worthy of loyalty, trust or time.

Love. It brings the best and the worst out of us. I'm going to try to stear clear of it for awhile.

Priceless Is:

"Plan B: Emergency Contraceptive" commercial airing in the first fifteen minutes of "A Very Duggar Wedding."

I laughed my face off.

Siblings

Two of the new portraits taken of the kids over the holidays...

Pumpkin Reflection...taken right before he said, "I miss my brother and sister." He says these words often when they are not together.

This is what Pumpkins look like in the snow...

She refused to sit down for this photo, that is, until her brothers exited the picture...then she sat down...and was genuinely offended that they would not stick around and cooperate with her attempts at being difficult. Do you like Bennett's mis-matched gloves? I swear he has lost one of every pair, only what's left is all one handed...I'm surprised that he found an opposing mitt for his other hand.

BP2 (24 mos), BP1 (5 yrs, 1 mos), Bennett Pumpkin (6 yrs, 9 mos)

According to spell check, I don't know how to spell esophogus. Apparently it's esophagus. Now I know.

So, house sitting has commenced, even though we have been camped out here for months awaiting thus commencement. Dad finally received his second heart surgery, with much drama, I might add. And, bonus! He totally survived! And, he has a throat! This may seem trivial to some, but he was told, hours before surgery, hours before being loaded on the air-vac jet for a third time in two months, to go to Vancouver for 'emergency' surgery that kept being post-poned, that the infection that had developed in his previous graft, the graft that is holding his aorta together, thus not allowing the pesky little aneurysm to kill him, had jumped to his esophagus and eaten through it and they would now have to remove said esophagus. Oh, and he had a 10% chance of surviving this heart surgery. No problem. Because he had a zero chance of surviving the surgery he received 13 months ago. So, we all know how that ball bounces. Anyways, he is nice and alive, with a new graft to replace the infected one, and this graft is bigger, thus covering the newly enlarged and ever more present aneurysm that was trying even harder to negate his existence. And, double bonus! The infection hadn't jumped to his esophagus, it was more of an internal pressure sore from the pressure of the aneurysm on his esophagus and they were able to do a patch job instead of an extraction job...so he'll be able to eat food again, which makes life much tastier, if your going to bother living said life.

It's really been a long weekend.

There is more to this story. Perhaps there will be a part three. Or there will be pictures. You just never know.

The start of an actual post...with real words even!

Holy crap is Lukey starting to look more and more like the sperm donor; and by that, perhaps I should say more and more like he's actually related to Bennett. His recent change of eye colour isn't helping things much. This is not a bad thing, because Bennett is quite beautiful, in my own biased opinion (funny how that happens when you birth someone), and them looking like they are actually brothers is quite heart warming, being as I love them both to pieces. It's just such a funny spot to see those facial expressions coming from both of them; facial expressions that I once saw on a person I loved so completely, a person who is now not a part of my life in any way; a person that is responsible for bringing all three of my pumpkins into my life, yet is so dangerous that we all stay the hell away from him and grimace when he is brought up in conversation. Life, it just has a way of being so unexpecting; and to have the greatest gratitude for someone and the greatest sense of fear of the same person...it is truly a trip and a half. Interesting experience for sure.

(Yayaya, for anyone who has yet to put the pieces together, Luke and Bennett are 'bruthas from otha muthas' and have mutual paternity; that paternity being the person who was my spouse for 6.5 years and my first love...a person who now happens to be a bad ass bastard who is not allowed near any of the children...not allowed near any children ever for that matter...and we now refer to him as The Sperm Donor or just Stanley, again, not his real name, but his real name happens to be Bennett's middle name and a name I really love, so I'm not going to let him ruin it for me or for Bennett, so, since it was his bad choices that turned him into a bad ass bastard, he's the one that gets a name change...so Stanley it is.)

There is so much more to this post and I'm actually in the mood to write at the moment, so hopefully I'll have a chance to sit down and rant later today...otherwise, it'll just end up being more pictures. Damn how I love pictures! Especially ones of my pumpkins. They rock. But, right now I must rescue my child from the tub. So, toodles.

No Words

What kind of idiots would make their child into a poster board for their own beliefs...especially if those beliefs were just a tad bit, umm, hateful? Three-year-old Adolf Hitler removed from his parents' home by Child Protective Services.

What NOT to say to someone who has just agreed to massage your aching shoulders...especially when that someone is your baby brother...

Shoulder rubbing commences.

Baby Brother: If you moan again, this massage will be over.

Heza: That's not moaning, I'm just breathing...but I could moan if you want me to.

Baby Brother: Go ahead and try, then I'll stuff my socks in your mouth.

Heza: Well, that would certainly be better than something else.

Shoulder rubbing comes to an abrupt halt as my baby brother flies to the other side of the room, leaving both his girlfriend and I doubled over in laughter that sounded more like choking.

I should have kept my big, dirty mouth shut, cause I never did get the rest of that shoulder massage.

Cute Story

5 & 6 yr olds try to elope to Africa...don't make it past train station. Don't you hate it when your plans are foiled by pesky security men?!

Am I late already?

I finally mailed my Christmas Cards. Five days into the new year. Perhaps this is why I usually don't bother? Or is this just a sign of things to come? Is everything going to take twice as long as it should this year? Or am I thinking way too much into this?

It feels so good to say good bye to 2008. It was a very long year with many extreme highs and many extreme lows. If this year can be just a little more mellow, I will be one fantastically happy camper.