Husband Wanted

A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that it was time go get married again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read:

**HUSBAND WANTED**
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair.

He had no arms or legs.

"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you!," the widow said. "Just look at you, you have no legs!"

The old gentleman smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"

"You don't have any arms either!", she snorted.

Again, the old main smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed?"

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"

The wedding is scheduled for Saturday.

Sunday Morning Sex

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people that were nearly 100 years old, having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh, no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding, and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive today if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

Fuck a Duck

Welcoming Myself Back...I think...

Thanksgiving, a Niece's Birthday, and Honourary Niece's Birthday, a trip to the WLP with three kids, a trip to the Pumpkin Patch with several friends and their kids, a kid's Halloween party to meet up with some Internet friends, two weekends out of town with god children, one week out numbered by kids (watching god son), Halloween, and lots and lots of pictures! October was a very child oriented month. (And we are totally stretching it right into November, as we have yet to carve are pumpkins, which we are totally doing this weekend!)

Oh, and the crazy fucks that were once my in-laws decided to stop pursuing me in court (for a forth time!!!!) Yes, I have been fighting them in court for four years! (Averaging one round per year.) Some families go on vacations, and apparently some families take their ex-daughter-in-law to court and harass them about not being able to see the grandson after they prove that they should not be trusted within a province of any child! They finally realized that they have screwed themselves too many ways from Sunday and that they are not going to be able to convince any judge that I am unreasonable in telling them to stay the hell away from me and my kid! Have a drink to that one!!!

On to November...

Cheated and took the Munchkins to the Mall...

On one hand, it's totally cheating, and I really missed the good old fashioned Trick-or-Treating mascaraed. On the other hand it is a totally brilliant idea! For people with short Trick-or-Treaters, going to the mall, where it is light, and you can see every one's costumes, and you get a reasonable amount of candy for minimal effort, the mall is just not a bad idea at all! Bennett was too tired, post swimming, to do much Trick-or-Treating anyways, as we only made it through half the mall before he was totally done! Next year we will hit the streets sans persons under three! Because you don't have enough candy until you can no longer hold up your pillow case!

Bizarre by Any Other Name...

Just when I thought things could not get any stranger, they manage to get...stranger. I am going to bed...because I fear that the dream world is actually more sane than the freak show that I seem to be experiencing here in reality!

Oh Baby! (October Edition)

Congratulations to Laurie & Jason!
Baby ~Danika Payton~ was born on October 5th, at 9:22 a.m. Weighing in at 9 lbs, 4 oz and 51 cm long; a baby sister for Brendan. (BC)

October in a Blink

My Niecie Girl is TWO Today!!

Life has been a steady stream of homework, kids (mine and other peoples'), homework, more homework and more kids. I'm really living on the edge...cough. Two exams down, one more next week. A short road trip this weekend and a trip to the pumpkin patch next weekend.

October isn't passing me by this fast, is it?

Thanksgiving Weekend (North of the Border)

Two Excellent turkey dinners; one with family and one with friends. 'Twas a really yummy weekend! Lots of good company and lots of good food. Now, back to the grind stone: two exams in the next three days. Full steam ahead...
_________________________

A few shots that did not get sent to the recycle bin...

Two quiet children (amongst 14 adults)...rare moment indeed!

A Sampling of the Post Turkey Crash...

Turkey Dinner, Round Two:

First Thanksgiving at Laura & Derek's new house....had a very nice time with friends, old & new...

John Edward: Tiny Dude with One Killer Smile!

Hyper Pumpkin!

Bennett & Wendy

I like how Bennett looks all ghosty in this shot...

Smallest Hockey Fan!

~My Big Brother & His Baby Boy~

Cousin Pride

A few days ago, I had the nerve to refer to the new baby cousin as, "Uncle J.'s baby..."

Bennett immediately protested, "It's not J.'s baby! Uncle J. does not have a uterus!"

"My apologies, son. Auntie N.'s baby..."

-------------------------

Tonight, my camera arrived safely back home (so did Nana!), loaded with beautiful pictures and video of The Nephew! (& of the very proud parents!) Bennett hogged the thing for half an hour, watching the videos of his new baby cousin over and over...then he declared, "I want to go to ******** and see him right now!"

Not up for the ten hour drive tonight, I used the best excuse in the world..."You have school tomorrow!"

I wondered how Bennett would react to the idea of a 2nd cousin...it would appear The Nephew! will be landing into open (cousin) arms!

Only in Australia

Europe vs. MIddle East

Interpretation...

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominantly white patriarchal society. "In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."

After the curator left, a Scottish man approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.

"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there are no African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three Scottish coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."

Wisdoms from I've (whomever that is...)

As I’ve Matured…

I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I’ve learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.

I’ve learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses.

I’ve learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I’ve learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

I’ve learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others – they are more screwed up than you think.

I’ve learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

I’ve learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.

I’ve learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you’re finished.

I’ve learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.

I’ve learned that ex’s are like fungus, and keep coming back.

I’ve learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

I’ve learned that I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy it.

I’ve learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I’ve learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

I’ve learned that 99% of the time when something isn’t working in your house, one of your kids did it.

I’ve learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.

I’ve learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the real pains in the ass are permanent.

In Lieu of Gymboree

Make me Laugh in the Middle of the Night...Thx Matt

As of 8:30 this morning...

SIL is at the hospital, water broke on it's own! Nana (my Mama) is en-route with a truck load of baby gear and my camera (personal paparazzi!)

How Hairy is your Woman?

Conversation with Service Manager while picking up my car from the mechanic (yes, again...)

After a fellow frequent customer made a teasing remark to the Service Manager about his inadequate ability to meet a satisfactory number of "hot chicks"...

Service Manager: "Actually, I'm seeing someone right now."

Heza Hekele: "Please tell me she doesn't have a beard."

Service Manager: "Naw, Naw, she's not Italian."



The Service Manager and Most of the Mechanics at the shop are Italian-Canadian;-)

To Further Along Baby Central Week...... Miss Mae Pics!

Welcome to the world! July 31st, 2 lbs, 3 mos shy of Halloween due date:

13 days old:

18 days old:

My Baby Cousin & her Baby - Kangaroo Care (27 days old):

Mae with Mommy & Daddy (27 days old):

44 days old, 3 lbs & wearing clothes!